Page 209 - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

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194 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
was transformed. Alcohol suddenly made me into
what I had always wanted to be.
Alcohol became my everyday companion. At first, I
considered it a friend; later, it became a heavy load I
couldn’t get rid of. It turned out to be much more
powerful than I was, even if, for many years, I could
stay sober for short periods. I kept telling myself that
one way or another I would get rid of alcohol. I was
convinced I would find a way to stop drinking. I didn’t
want to acknowledge that alcohol had become so im­
portant in my life. Indeed, alcohol was giving me
something I didn’t want to lose.
In 1934, a series of mishaps occurred because of my
drinking. I had to come back from Western Canada
because the bank I worked for lost confidence in me.
An elevator accident cost me all of the toes of one foot
and a skull fracture. I was in the hospital for months.
My excessive drinking also caused a brain hemor­
rhage, which completely paralyzed one side of my
body. I probably did my First Step the day I came by
ambulance to Western Hospital. A night-shift nurse
asked me, “Mr. B., why do you drink so much? You
have a wonderful wife, a bright little boy. You have no
reason to drink like that. Why do you?” Being honest
for the first time, I said, “I don’t know, Nurse. I really
don’t know.” That was many years before I learned
about the Fellowship.
You might think I’d tell myself, “If alcohol causes so
much harm, I will stop drinking.” But I found count­
less reasons to prove to myself that alcohol had noth­
ing to do with my misfortunes. I told myself it was
because of fate, because everyone was against me, be­
cause things weren’t going well. I sometimes thought