Page 244 - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

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THE VICIOUS CYCLE 229
time that those who really believed, or at least honestly
tried to find a Power greater than themselves, were
much more composed and contented than I had ever
been, and they seemed to have a degree of happiness
I had never known.
Peddling off my polish samples for expenses, I
crawled back to New York a few days later in a very
chastened frame of mind. When the others saw my
altered attitude, they took me back in, but for me they
had to make it tough; if they hadn’t, I don’t think I
ever would have stuck it out. Once again, there was
the challenge of a tough job, but this time I was deter­
mined to follow through. For a long time the only
Higher Power I could concede was the power of the
group, but this was far more than I had ever recog­
nized before, and it was at least a beginning. It was
also an ending, for never since June 16, 1938, have I
had to walk alone.
Around this time our big A.A. book was being writ­
ten, and it all became much simpler; we had a definite
formula that some sixty of us agreed was the middle
course for all alcoholics who wanted sobriety, and
that formula has not been changed one iota down
through the years. I don’t think the boys were com­
pletely convinced of my personality change, for they
fought shy of including my story in the book, so my
only contribution to their literary efforts was my firm
conviction—since I was still a theological rebel—that
the word God should be qualified with the phrase “as
we understand Him”—for that was the only way I
could accept spirituality.
After the book appeared, we all became very busy
in our efforts to save all and sundry, but I was still