Page 240 - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r5.qxd 4/4/03 11:17 AM Page 225

THE VICIOUS CYCLE 225
invariably reward myself for my efforts with that “first”
drink.
After the tire job came the thirties, the Depression,
and the downhill road. In the eight years before A.A.
found me, I had over forty jobs—selling and traveling
—one thing after another, and the same old routine. I’d
work like mad for three or four weeks without a single
drink, save my money, pay a few bills, and then “re­
ward” myself with alcohol. Then I’d be broke again,
hiding out in cheap hotels all over the country, having
one-night jail stands here and there, and always that
horrible feeling “What’s the use—nothing is worth­
while.” Every time I blacked out, and that was every
time I drank, there was always that gnawing fear,
“What did I do this time?” Once I found out. Many al­
coholics have learned they can bring their bottle to a
cheap movie theater and drink, sleep, wake up, and
drink again in the darkness. I had repaired to one of
these one morning with my jug, and, when I left late in
the afternoon, I picked up a newspaper on the way
home. Imagine my surprise when I read in a page-one
“box” that I had been taken from the theater uncon­
scious around noon that day, removed by ambulance
to a hospital and stomach-pumped, and then released.
Evidently I had gone right back to the movie with a
bottle, stayed there several hours, and started home
with no recollection of what had happened.
The mental state of the sick alcoholic is beyond
description. I had no resentments against individuals
—the whole world was all wrong. My thoughts went
round and round with, What’s it all about anyhow?
People have wars and kill each other; they struggle
and cut each other’s throats for success, and what does