Page 232 - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

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OUR SOUTHERN FRIEND 217
not seen yet that I should do some constructive acts
of love without expecting any return. I shall learn
this after some more explosions.
I am blue again. I want to sell the place and move
away. I want to get where I can find some alcoholics
to help and where I can have some fellowship. A
man calls me on the phone. Will I take a young fellow
who has been drinking for two weeks to live with me?
Soon I have others who are alcoholics and some who
have other problems.
I begin to play God. I feel that I can fix them all.
I do not fix anyone, but I am getting part of a tremen­
dous education and I have made some new friends.
Nothing is right. Finances are in bad shape. I
must find a way to make some money. The family
seems to think of nothing but spending. People annoy
me. I try to read. I try to pray. Gloom surrounds
me. Why has God left me? I mope around the house.
I will not go out and I will not enter into anything.
What is the matter? I cannot understand. I will not
be that way.
I’ll get drunk! It is a cold-blooded idea. It is pre­
meditated. I fix up a little apartment over the garage
with books and drinking water. I am going to town
to get some liquor and food. I shall not drink until
I get back to the apartment. Then I shall lock myself
in and read. And as I read, I shall take little drinks
at long intervals. I shall get myself “mellow” and stay
that way.
I get in the car and drive off. Halfway down the
driveway a thought strikes me. I’ll be honest anyway.
I’ll tell my wife what I am going to do. I back up to
the door and go into the house. I call my wife into a