Page 272 - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

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THE MAN WHO MASTERED FEAR 257
grow into a monster. Instead, I quickly substitute one
or another vivid scene from the nightmare of my later
drinking.
Twenty-odd years ago I made a mess out of my one
and only marriage. It was therefore not extraordinary
that I should shy away from any serious thought of
marriage for a great many years after joining A.A.
Here was something requiring a greater willingness to
assume responsibility and a larger degree of coopera­
tion and give and take than even business requires
of one. However, I must have felt, deep down inside
myself, that living the selfish life of a bachelor was
only half living. By living alone you can pretty much
eliminate grief from your life, but you also eliminate
joy. At any rate the last great step toward a well-
rounded life still lay ahead of me. So six months ago
I acquired a ready-made family consisting of one
charming wife, four grown children to whom I am
devoted, and three grandchildren. Being an alcoholic,
I couldn’t dream of doing anything by halves! My
wife, a sister member in A.A., had been a widow nine
years and I had been single eighteen years. The ad­
justments in such a case are difficult and take time,
but we both feel that they are certainly worth it. We
are both depending upon God and our use of the
Alcoholics Anonymous program to help us make a
success of this joint undertaking.
It is undoubtedly too soon for me to say how much
of a success I shall be as a husband in time to come. I
do feel, though, that the fact that I finally grew up to
a point where I could even tackle such a job is the
apex of the story of a man who spent eighteen years
running away from life.